Mothers and daughters (a conversation with Sam)

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ELSA: I was hoping to get your opinion on something drug/recovery related.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of X, but I went to school with him (but didn’t really know him), and he later became somewhat famous for publishing an article about his struggles with heroin on Salon.com.  He has since gone on to be a relatively famous journalists on non-drug issues (his latest book is about anti-vaccine activists).  I had always been kind of annoyed by his fame, feeling that, because of his mother’s literary connections (she and he published back-to-back articles about his addiction on Salon) he had managed to parlay his drug-confessional into mainstream fame.  I also felt jealous that he, by being a major screw-up and a major problem for his family had gotten a lot more famous than I, who had always tried to keep my shit together and protect my family, would never have.

But I recently found an article he wrote about the first time he shot up, and he talks about Kate by name (and calls my beautiful Cambridge apartment “dingy”).

I know intellectually that Kate did a lot of reprehensible things, particularly when she was dating Ian, and that she shouldn’t be shielded from the consequences, and that X is telling his own story, not intentionally attacking my friend.  But it still really pisses me off.  Why didn’t he change her name?  What kind of self-important arrogant ass-hole is he?  Am I being totally unreasonable?

Thanks for letting me vent, and I would be interested in what you think about the article.

SAM: I just got your message.  And read the article.  from what you have said, that this is a person who has made a living as a writer, it seems extremely irresponsible and unethical to have used someone’s real name without their express permission to do so.  Regardless of whether anyone could identify or connect Kate to this article, it seems like very poor etiquette, to say the least.

As far as your expressing jealousy over his notoriety turned fame, I can understand what you mean.  I find the sensationalization and marketing of addiction repugnant.  This seems like a great example of sensationalization.  For example, had he said “I was in a sunny ground floor apartment…”, it wouldn’t be as dramatic would it?

You are known for something far greater than this dribble.  He paints  a compelling picture of what using heroin is like.  Woo-hoo.  So could many people, you and I included.  What is the greatest  contribution this article may have to society?  Maybe it will serve to be the inspiration for someone to decide to use.  Or go back to using.  I doubt it will serve as any kind of deterrent to a person who reads it.

What you have done, and written, you worked hard for.  You did it all despite being in the same place (literally) as this schmuck.  When I was looking at your published articles I noticed that one was from 1998.  I know where you were and the things that were going on at that time.  I had no context then, but now I do, and it makes me have all the more respect and admiration for you.  That really is saying a lot, because I have always thought the world of you.  I wish I had been were I am now, when we met then.  I have so much respect for you, for following through with what you set out to do.  On a daily basis, I fight the temptation to contemplate the things I wish I had done differently, that I would have used the opportunities I had in different ways.

You will be an amazing role model for your daughter.  Your decision to protect your family and yourself during the ‘adventures’ you lived was wise and reflective of the kind of person that you are.  You have integrity.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, and you can vent to me anytime.

ELSA: Before you are too impressed by the paper in 1998, I should tell you that my contribution to it was pretty minor (that’s why my name is in the middle of the author list).

I would also say that reading X’s other articles about heroin, I have to think about how lucky I was.  His trajectory from trying heroin to 10 bags at a sitting was so incredibly rapid.  I have always known that I have a lot of will power, but I don’t think I can take any kind of credit for that.  So I made all the same stupid choices as X (or Kate for that matter) and my life never got as desperate as theirs.

I should also say that  I am really impressed by you and so happy that you now have a happy and good life.  And I wish we could spend as much time together now as we did in the bad old days.

On the topic of protecting my family, I am still really conflicted about that.  Was I noble in not telling my parents about my drug use, or just sneaky and selfish?   X also tried to hide his drug use from his parents and he has become my new model for how to do everything wrong.

I have also read some of X’s mother’s writing about drugs, and it makes me scared for my daughter.

I would love to talk to you some time about how you are planning to talk to your daughter about drugs.

Also, I think you’re absolutely right about the triggering aspect of the story.  I think that has been contributing to my black mood since I read the article.

SAM: Hm.  Minor or not, that you were a contributor is amazing and took hard work.

Did you have some protective factors in place which helped you avoid the same depths as some of the people you knew, yes!  Whether it be that you had goals (which I can recall you mentioning at some point as a motivation to keep your proverbial sh*t together), family resources (emotional or other) or any other number of protective factors which contributed to your resilience, is an interesting question, and one that fascinates me in general with people.

Whatever your motivations were for not telling your parents, you did what you thought was best.  Which scares you more, the thought of your daughter using drugs or that she might conceal it as effectively as you did?

I am scared to death, but trying not to be, about the whole drug thing.  I am kind of hoping that my daughter will become some mildly religious cheerleader or yearbook editor or something which involves social involvement and motivation– and that she will remain abstinent until married and never feel the need for drugs…lol.  just kidding.  mostly.

I am not sure what I will say to her.  Heroin is crazy here also, were I to try, I could probably find it very easily.  We have been seeing more and more young kids come in strung out on it, for significant amounts of time.  And the odds are not terribly great for her, I guess, if you buy in to the genetic theory.  My partner went to a coke-infested Catholic upper-middle class private school.  I am still not terribly comfortable with his drinking beer every night.

I do not know what the balance is.  That article– heck yes, triggering.  I can totally understand what he meant.  This is one of the many reasons I opted to get out of being a drug & ETOH counselor for now.  I can relate, and understand…and I am tired of using that part of my brain for now.  I know what drove me to use drugs the way I did.  I also believe in recreational use.  If my daughter ends up trying some things, so be it, but I am going to do my best to make sure I do not give that girl any reason to believe that life hurts too much to bear, like I did.

Yeah, I kinda wish you were not so far away!!!  I would love to be able to sit and have coffee with you.  And meet your daughter!!!

ELSA: I think the thing I’m most worried about with my daughter is that she will die or get brain damage or some other thing that will stop her from being able to get on with the rest of her life.  I’m sorry that Kate didn’t live up to all the expectations that her parents had of her (famous writer, artist, farmer and all around super-genius) but she’s alive and happy and working her ass off and doing art and teaching high school.  But there are so many points when she could have died.  I guess that’s true for all of us.  I can’t imagine what effect it would have had on my family if I had died that night in 1997.

Also, the idea of having a child who you have to wash your hands of because he is stealing from you and blatantly lying to your face is pretty horrific.

Sorry to pass along the triggering with that article.  I was so angry I wasn’t really thinking clearly about it.

Thanks for all your advice.

SAM: re: the triggering– no worries!!  I told clients more than once-  I didn’t stop using heroin because I no longer enjoyed it,  it was because the costs were too great (my drive for it, oblivious to the many other things life has to offer).  I stay away from it now because I know how much I love it!  There are few things in life that can be counted on to be consistent…..how sad that heroin is one of them!

ELSA: Here’s a transcript of another story [from This American Life] that scared me about parenting teens.  I can relate so much to the run-away train-hopping daughters, and the mother tries so much crazy shit to get her daughters to behave.  I really don’t want to be that mother.

SAM: I still regret, every day, the hell I put my poor mother through.  I remember at one point she told me to either remain in consistent contact or never contact her again.  She hated not knowing where I was, or how she would even know if I were dead.