fandomnumbergenerator | Creepy until proven otherwise (Reply)

So, I’ve been thinking about campus sexual assault, and all the victim-blaming advice, and how the counter-advice is to teach boys not to rape. But I have two daughters, so that advice is not super useful for me.

One of the big problems with the advice that girls are given is that it is not only victim-blaming, but also either incorrect or unusable. If your advice to young women is basically, “don’t date boys,” (which is what a lot of the “don’t drink” advice boils down to) it’s pretty much unimplementable.

I guess the first piece of advice would be, you don’t owe anybody anything sexually. If someone tries to badger you into anything, that’s a real warning sign. (And the whole idea of “game for anything – within reason” just seems like a repackaging of “don’t be a prude” and seems to assume that women don’t have their own sex drive.) Maybe with role plays to learn how to spot creepy guys. Don’t really know how that would work. My daughters are going to hate me.

Then, if you feel trapped in some situation, call me. We’ll figure out a way to get you out of it. Me and every girl I know has some story about being pushed to go further than they wanted because they didn’t feel like they had a way to leave.

If you are sexually assaulted, do not trust the university. We will get you a lawyer. (Though, this advice would not be particularly useful in the military.)

In a situation where serial rapists don’t get caught, you have to rely on reputation and rumor. Creepy until proven otherwise. Which is pretty depressing advice to give, but I’m not sure what else to say.

And this is where I get into “don’t date boys” territory. I was really against fraternities when I was in college, and I think it saved me a lot of grief. The finals club parties had an open door policy for girls, no questions asked. And they bused in girls from the local women’s colleges on Saturday nights specifically so they could go to the parties. It was the place I was least likely to find a person I would be interested in. But is telling them to be careful about fraternities useless advice? If that’s where the social life is. And, that’s assuming they go to college. But I think there’s still a question about how to deal with going into spaces that are controlled by men.