(no subject)

[fandomnumbergenerator]

I think I may actually be losing my mind.  I dropped a big metal bowl on my foot (actually the incredibly heavy cast iron mortar my father gave us and which we used exactly once) and probably broke my toe, which is purple and stiff and swollen.  It hurt so fucking much, I just started yowling and screaming like I was being murdered and my husband bounded into the room ready to save me and I fell like such an idiot for yelling and also incredibly angry because pain always makes me angry. And I guess I yelled at him, but I don’t actually remember.  I just remember the pain and the anger. And then I tried to go back to making dinner but my foot still hurt like a motherfucker and I was completely shaken and managed to slice my finger up on the Japanese fake mandolin trying to make julienned carrots, and then I just gave up and starting sobbing and lay on the sofa with an icepack on my foot, feeling totally unhinged because I could not stop crying.  And my daughter came over and looked at me and asked me why I was crying and why I was making an angry mouth.  But we got through the night.  I finally stopped worrying that I had broken all the tiny bones in my foot, and started poking at my foot and realized that my foot, aside from my purple swollen toe was fine and I stopped crying and finished making my salad and we ate dinner. But before I went to bed, I apologized to Tobias for being such a mess, and it was fine, but he wished I hadn’t yelled at him.  And I thought about it every time my stupid toe woke me up and my morning I was really losing it. Just so mad at myself for yelling at him and so mad at him for not being more understanding and for making me feel like I had to be perfect and couldn’t get angry.  And feeling like there was really something wrong with me and my temper, and kind of freaked out that I couldn’t actually remember yelling.  So I started sobbing in the shower, and pounding on the wall and biting my hand.  Feeling like I just wanted to stab a knife through my arm.  Feeling like everything was too much to handle and I just wanted to run away and that I was unfit to be a mother. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get it out of my system until I talked to him.  So I lay down next to him crying, and he woke up and asked if it was my foot, and I told him I thought I was going crazy and I was so sorry for yelling at him, but I couldn’t even remember yelling at him.  And I started pounding on my head with my fists, which I know Tobias hates, but I couldn’t help it, and I managed to give myself a purple bruise on my forehead, so it’s a good think I have bangs.  But I had to be quiet, so my daughter wouldn’t wake up. And Tobias hugged me and said it was OK, and I took some deep breaths and we started talking about random other things.  And then my daughter woke up and I said I’d take her to preschool so he could go back to sleep.  And the normal non-crazy part of the day started.  But I’m still exhausted and shakey, and probably completely unhinged.